Parents - Your Children and Their Well-Being Are Your Highest Purpose.

Florida Courts are very concerned with children building a relationship and bonds with both of their parents and shared parenting is the presumption unless the other parent is proven to be unfit. With shared parenting comes the need for the parents to communicate with each other. There is an expectation that the parents actually know and understand how to communicate with each other. However, it has been my experience that one of the number one reasons that the situation has even arisen and brought the family to a court involved dispute is a failure to communicate or a breakdown in effective communication. I do believe if most parents took a step back and realized the level of conflict they are engaging in, along with the real impact the conflict is having on their children they would handle themselves differently. If I notice that my client is engaging in this type of behavior, I do bring it to their attention and offer advice not only on a professional level but as a divorced mother/parent as well. 

I came across an article that had two of the best sentences I have ever read.  It all begins with your mindset. Think about communication with your ex as having the highest purpose: your child’s well-being.  The article had several tips and suggestions. I have included some of them below that I believe may be useful to parents that are struggling with communication. 

Whether talking via email, phone, or in person, the following methods can help you initiate and maintain effective communication:

• Set a business-like tone. Approach the relationship with your ex as a business partnership where your “business” is your children’s well-being. Speak or write to your ex as you would a colleague—with cordiality, respect, and neutrality. Relax and talk slowly.

• Make requests. Instead of making statements, which can be misinterpreted as demands, try framing as much as you can as requests. Requests can begin "Would you be willing to…?" or “Can we try…?”

• Listen. Communicating with maturity starts with listening. Even if you end up disagreeing with the other parent, you should at least be able to convey to your ex that you’ve understood his or her point of view. And listening does not signify approval, so you won’t lose anything by allowing your ex to voice his or her opinions.

• Show restraint. Keep in mind that communicating with one another is going to be necessary for the length of your children's entire childhood—if not longer. You can train yourself to not overreact to your ex, and over time you can become numb to the buttons he or she tries to push.

• Commit to meeting/talking consistently. Frequent communication with your ex will convey the message to your children that you and their other parent are a united front. This may be extremely difficult in the early stages of your divorce or separation.

• Keep conversations kid-focused. You can control the content of your communication. Never let a discussion with your ex-partner digress into a conversation about your needs or his/her needs; it should always be about your child's needs only.

As you co-parent, you and your ex are bound to disagree over certain issues. Keep the following in mind as you try to come to consensus with your ex.

• Respect can go a long way. Simple manners are often neglected between co-parents, even though they should be the foundation for co-parenting. Being considerate and respectful includes letting your ex know about school events, being flexible about your schedule when possible, and taking his or her opinion seriously.
• Keep talking. It might sound tedious, but if you disagree about something important, you will need to continue to communicate about the topic. Never discuss your differences of opinions with or in front of your child. If you still can’t agree, you may need to talk to a third party, like a therapist or mediator.
• Don’t sweat the small stuff. If you disagree about important issues like a medical surgery or choice of school for your child, by all means keep the discussion going. But if you want your child in bed by 7:30 and your ex says 8:00, try to let it go and save your energy for the bigger issues.
• Compromise. Yes, you will need to come around to your ex spouse’s point of view as often as he or she comes around to yours. It may not always be your first choice, but compromise allows you both to “win” and makes both of you more likely to be flexible in the future.

(The above tips are and excerpt taken from HelpGuide.org and author credits to Jocelyn Block and Melinda Smith)

Divorce - It Is Not Just Between The Parents

You often hear about how the divorce is between the parents and should not involve the children. Although in theory that sounds right but for all practical purposes it is the furthest from reality. When it comes to children of divorcing parents their life suddenly turns upside down. The two people that they trust and depend on the most are parting ways. Everything in their world is changing. As parents, helping our children through this difficult time may be one of our greatest challenges, especially when you are dealing with your own roller coaster of emotions. Here are some tips that may assist in helping your children cope through the divorce process and as an added benefit make your bond even stronger:

1) Remember you may no longer be husband and wife but you will always be Mom and Dad. You will always be a family.

2) Children are listening even when you think they are not. Make it a point not to make derogatory statements about the other parent no matter what the circumstances or who you think may not be listening.

3) Children often identify with each of their parents. When you make a negative comment about the other parent, your child will likely take it personally.

4) Give your children the opportunity to bond and have a relationship with each parent.

5) Place yourself in the other parent's position. Would the timesharing and parenting plan you are proposing be acceptable to you?

6) Be flexible and plan for change. When the other parent asks for assistance or adjustments with the schedule, accommodate them if its possible. Review and change plans as needed.

7) Encourage daily or as frequent contact as possible.

8) Manage your emotions when dealing with conflict.

9) Consider your children's needs and relationships instead of focusing on the parents' entitlement to time.

10) Consider the burden on your children when developing a parenting and timesharing plan. What will their day-to-day life be like - going to school, spending time with friends, feeling at home, etc.?

Keeping these few tips in mind can provide great rewards in developing and maintaining relationships between children and both of their parents; helping them to adjust in the short term and making it possible for them to thrive in the long term.

Your Piece of the Marital Pie...Reality Check!

Interestingly enough clients come into my office daily with a mindset of exactly what they want from their divorce settlement to the point where it is almost an obsession. This is where my role as "Counselor-at-Law" comes into play and a reality check is often necessary.

It is understandable that after all the years of marriage and sacrificing there is going to be certain property that you desire, even feel like you are entitled to. Let's pause, take a step back, have you asked yourself the tough questions? Have you been honest with your assessment?

When it comes to this _____ that you must have:

-  Can you afford it? Have you considered how you will be able to buy the other spouse out of their share? If you are awarded this asset, can you afford the mortgage, the property taxes, the maintenance and upkeep?

- Is this a want or a need? Are you able to distinguish between the two?

- What else will you be sacrificing to obtain this property? Is it worth the other sacrifices?

- Is this realistic?

- What if circumstances change in the future and your (soon-to-be) former spouse is unable to pay his/her support obligations? What is the immediate impact it will have on your budget?

- Are there other options that would suit your needs?

- Have you asked yourself, why? Why this house? Why this vehicle? Why this silverware?

- Is there a legal hurdle, financial hurdle or emotional hurdle that you need to overcome regarding this want/need?

- Have you considered your spouses needs and desires? (this is probably the most difficult question but the answer does matter)

If you are facing divorce you are already aware that the process is difficult and the process does not end when the judgment is final. Divorce can and will impact every aspect of your life. As much as possible think through the process, know what you need for your future. Don't be afraid to discuss these needs with your attorney and revisit your needs as the divorce progresses; we all know needs change.

How will this benefit you? Knowing your goals puts you in a better position to negotiate a settlement agreement that meets your needs. Believe me, divorce gives plenty of opportunity for negotiations. The largest percentage of cases are settled between the spouses and not the Judge. By not considering these questions you get stuck on one position and leave yourself with few options. Quite likely this type of thinking can be to your detriment. However, by asking yourself these questions you are allowing yourself to establish a set of goals, establishing your specific needs and not just focusing on an object. Consider options for accomplishing your goals and be open to discussions in negotiating your divorce settlement when possible.

Write it Down...Daily Parenting Journal

One of the most important tools when it comes to family law cases involving children is to keep a daily journal. I ask each one of my clients to do it. It does not have to be anything elaborate, a simple spiral notebook will do. No matter what type of case you are involved in - divorce, time-sharing (custody), modifications, enforcement, etc. a journal can be very helpful.  They are most helpful in refreshing your memory as to events that happened on particular days so that you can accurately describe these events to assist your family law attorney in preparing your case or when providing testimony before the Court. It helps you remember specific dates, times, behaviors, and conversations. These types of accurate details can add credibility to your case.

Here are some simple tips to help you capture the information that will be most helpful in preparing for your case:

• Contact attempts that have been denied
• Phone calls that go unanswered, and/or voice mails for the children not returned
• Every single time that the other parent violates the time-sharing (custody) order
• Every single time the kiddos have a remarkable school outcome, including: good or bad grades, tardies, absences, missed parent-teacher conferences, disciplinary issues
• Any time the parent does or fails to do something on behalf of the child(ren) (takes to doctor, dentist, scouts, church, etc.); include names of third-party objective references such as teachers, coaches, youth pastor, etc., who can verify parental involvement in child’s life
• Notes of all time-sharing (custody) exchanges to include the child’s demeanor, adverse behaviors, other problems with the exchange (e.g. other parent changed location, time, caused a ruckus, attempted to deny access, made excuses for a failure to appear, etc.)
• The other parent’s flexibility in accommodating make-up time-sharing
• Failure to involve parent in important or major decisions
• Any attempts by other parent to use the child(ren) as a messenger, with details of the message
• And equally important is to note "Nothing noteworthy occurred today"

Think in terms of what you would like to tell a judge sometime down the road.  Also consider how you would substantiate your claims. If you want to be able to say, “Your Honor, the other parent is denying my children their court-ordered access to me…”, then you want to also be able to back that up with, “…in the month of June, I attempted telephone contact 30 times, and was able to make contact only once….” or whatever the actual details are. If you have it in a journal that you have kept daily, then it offers a lot more credibility

Asking the Hard Questions...And Other Words to Consider for Divorcing Parents

Do you have more hate and animosity towards your ex than you do love for your child? If you say no, what do your actions say?

What if the tables were turned, would the times-haring schedule you are proposing be fair if it was the only time you received with your minor child?